don't let him see the damage
by lvamp1192
Summary: River tries so hard to keep things from the doctor in an effort to keep some of the burden off his hearts, but the doctor isn't stupid and knows something is tearing at river's soul. What happens when the doctor finally finds the secret she tried so hard to hide. Trigger warning self harm.
1. Chapter 1

Don't let him see the damage.

**So I recently fell in love with this show and have watched all of them and am now prepared for the eighth season. I've read a lot of fanfic that was done well but many people seem to write about the doctor dealing with guilt so I wanted to write one where River has guilt because we all know that she holds some for the role she plays in Utah. **

**Please review! I also have a Merlin fic up. Reviews help to know if I should continue it or not**

**Thanks Guys Be Safe! **

**~lvamp1192**

River lived with a constant pang of guilt because of the role she played in her husband's death. He had told her that she was forgiven. Forever and always forgiven but she couldn't handle it. She didn't deserve him. He deserved better than her and she knew it. Stormcage is where she belonged. Away. As long as she was there he was safe right? The only problem she wasn't there, she was on the TARDIS right next to him.

Amy and Rory had gone to bed leaving her sitting in the console room with her doctor. He was rambling about the dangers of residual time energy when it comes into contact with certain things but she was barely listening, trapped in the dark recesses of her mind.

"Where do we go tomorrow river? Any place in mind? We can span the universe."

The doctor jovially waited for a reply but when one didn't come he looked over at river. She was sitting just staring off into space. He made his way over to her an knelt in front of her. "River." He stated softly. She flinched at the sound of his voice but looked at him and quickly plastered a smile on her face.

"You okay?" He asked in a whisper.

"Yeah sweetie of course, sorry I'm just a little tired."

"Yeah. Well off you pop then." He whispered with a small smile before enveloping her in a hug and giving her a chaste kiss on her lips.

She quickly left his grasp as tears were beginning to fall against her control. She turned so he couldn't see and walked to their shared room. He watched her go, knowing there was something she wasn't telling him. "I wish you wouldn't shut me out. I could help." He whispered to himself.

Meanwhile, river sat in the bathroom clutching the blade she had grown to love over the years. she let the tears flow as she dragged it across her arm repeatedly until the majority of her arm was a crimson red. She then jumped in the shower tears still flowing and washed away her guilt and shame. She looked up at the ceiling of the TARDIS before quietly saying "our secret old girl. Don't let him see the damage. We know better." The TARDIS shook slightly in disagreement but ultimately hummed knowing it was better that some secrets are kept. She continued to let the water run over her letting her mind go numb until there was a knock at the door. "River, is everything alright?"

"Yes sweetie. Be out in a second."

She dried off and put on her fluffy white robe and opened the door. "Sorry sweetie, we don't have showers like that at stormcage."

He chucked and smiled at her, " it's always here, whenever you need it."

She smiled in return knowing he wasn't really talking about the shower.


	2. the beginning (continued)

short chapter for you guys.

She smiled in return knowing he wasn't really talking about the shower.

"Let's go to bed sweetie."

The doctor smiled at her before gently saying "after you."

River got up to the room and suddenly was very tired, maybe the day's events had caught up with her. She laid down on the bed and covered up with the bright blue blanket that covered their bed. The doctor stared at her as if he was studying her face in order to get a look into her psyche, before he finally spoke, "River, I-"

"I know." She said cutting him off.

"I know." He replied with a laugh his eyes lighting up as he looked at her as if she was the greatest thing created in the universe. She caught his face and she knew that look and just like that feelings of sorrow and guilt threatened to push to the surface. Her smile dropped a little but reappeared when she noticed the doctor was still looking at her.

He laid down next to her kissing her forehead and holding her until she fell asleep.

"Melody pond, you remind me so much of your parents. SO strong when you don't need to be. Something is wrong. I don't know what but I will find out and I will fix it because I'm the doctor and that's what I do."


	3. The Truthsayers

The doctor couldn't sleep and he couldn't stand to stay still so he got up and paced around the console room, trying to figure out what was bothering River. He set a camera up so he could keep an eye on her while she slept as he felt guilty for leaving her when something was off. He watched as she thrashed in her sleep. He ran up to her and sat next to her trembling form.  
"No. I can't. It's not no. Don't make me. No. Doctor. Stop." She whimpered.  
"River. River. Wake up."  
She opened her eyes quickly in a panic but she quickly resolved it. "Hello sweetie."  
"Are you okay?"  
"Always sweetie."  
"Looked like you were having a bad dream."  
She just looked down averting his questioning gaze.  
"Well you're awake now! Let's go somewhere. Somewhere magnificent. How about violeucious? The planet of beaches. The vacation Mecca of the universe!"  
"Sounds great sweetie!" She replied with a smile.  
"I'll get the ponds!"  
A couple minutes later and the gang was ready and the TARDIS had landed. Amy rushed out of the doors Rory following behind.  
"Doctor this is amazing!" Amy called twirling in the sun.  
Rory and Amy swam in the warm waters while the doctor and river sat on the warm sand. They were swapping stories and laughing about the time she'd impersonated Cleopatra when all of a sudden River's smile faded and a look of concern replaced it.  
"Doctor, do you hear that?"  
"Hear what?" HE asked concern etched on his face.  
"It's just whispers..." she said almost too quietly.  
He looked over at Amy and Rory who seemed to be just fine playing in the water. Splashing each other like they were children again. A quality the doctor always seemed to bring out.  
"What are they saying?" He asked.  
"It's getting louder. Can't you hear it?!"  
Tears began to well up in her eyes.  
"River what is it saying?"  
She tried to tell him but she couldn't all she could hear were the whispers.  
IT'S YOUR FAULT. HE LOOKS AT YOU LIKE YOU'RE THE WORTH THE UNIVERSE, BUT YOU'RE NOT ARE YOU?! YOU DESERVE NOTHING. MURDERER. WORTHLESS. YOU DISAPPOINT HIM. YOU DISAPPOINT YOUR PARENTS. SILENCE WILL FALL. HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU. HE PITIES YOU. MURDERER!  
"No I'm sorry. Wasn't. My. I'm sorry. I. I." She kept saying rocking back in forth. The doctor now sat in front of her,"River, you're okay. Let's get back to the TARDIS. come on."  
At this point violent sobs wracked her body and she was no longer in reality. All she could hear were the whispers and all she wanted was her blade.  
"Come on ponds. Something's wrong. We gotta go."  
The ponds looked over and sensed the severity of the situation and jumped up and ran into the TARDIS. Amy looked at her daughter who was struggling to breathe on the floor.  
"Melody? Melody? What's wrong?!"  
She didn't even look at her mother maintaining her eye contact with the floor.  
"Raggedy man, what's wrong with her?"  
"I'm not sure." He said taking out his sonic screwdriver and scanning her forehead.  
"Damn. River. River! LISTEN TO ME!" he yelled loud enough to catch her attention.  
"River, whatever it's saying is not true. Do you hear me? It's lying. River. Talk to me. Please melody."  
"what is it doctor?" Asked Amy.  
"They're called the truthSayers, false name, they enter the mind of any living thing near it and play on their insecurities, the thoughts they'd never say out loud and prey on it until the person eventually..."  
"Eventually what doctor?"  
"Eventually go insane with guilt and shut down."  
"will that happen to her?" Rory asked.  
"No, we got out of there and they won't survive in here. The voices should die down soon. She'll be okay."  
River's breathing had started to slow down and she had seemed to be getting a grip on reality once again.  
"You're okay, love." The doctor said pulling River into a hug. She hugged him back tightly and tried to keep more tears from falling.  
"Hey, whatever the voices said, it's not true. They lied. They feed on doubt and guilt."

"I'm okay Sweetie. I'm going to take a shower, help me collect my thoughts and separate the voice out."

"Okay. You know I love you more than anything in the whole universe, River."

"As do I Sweetie. As do I." She shot him a quick smile and walked off as tears flowed down her cheeks once again because that was the problem, she loved him.


	4. no longer hidden

"I know sweetie." She said with a smile.

He looked her up and down concern and admiration still etched on his face. He kissed her forehead and then her lips.

"I love you,River song."

"As do I sweetie, as do I."

She walked away from his grasp and headed to the showers because you see that was the problem. She loved him and the guilt consumed her. She turned on the water and watched it hit the floor of the shower trying to capture her thoughts, but all she could hear was the voice whispering murderer in her head. She grabbed her blade from underneath the sink and dragged it across her forearm repeatedly til it was a bright crimson color. The pain dulled her thoughts and a familiar numbness set in. She ran the water over her body until the water ran clear enough then she got dressed and headed into the room she shared with the doctor. She flinched slightly at the sound of a voice in the room.

"River, are you alright?"

"Yeah, sweetie fine."

He looked down and swallowed he wasn't buying it and she knew it.

"Come here." He said softly, it wasn't a command more of a plea.

She walked over to him, he took out his screwdriver and scanned her.

"Are you still hearing them?"

"No.'

"Good. What did they say to you?"

"Nothing."

"Why do you always do that?!" He was shouting now. Not in anger but in frustration and love.

"Same reason you do." She said back. HE sighed but this wasn't about him. She was hurting and he wanted to help but she was stubborn and wouldn't let him.

"Let me help you."

"I'm fine." She turned to walk away from him but he grabbed her arm, she tried to hold back the hiss of pain but failed.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing. You just scared me." She whispered it was a weak lie she knew it and not one he would buy.

"Are you hurt?"

"No. Please doctor just leave it. Please sweetie." She whispered yet again tears threatening to fall. She started to drift away from him but he stopped her in her tracks.

"Melody pond tell me what is wrong now!"

She looked back at him and with the straightest face she could manage said, "spoilers."

"No not this time. You don't get to say that and walk away because you don't want to talk about something. Show me your arm, talk to me something. Don't shut me out melody please." He sound angry and hurt and this time she couldn't walk away. She couldn't leave like this. She turned back to face him and he reached up and caressed her cheeks wiping away the tears that fell. He grabbed her arm and pulled up her sleeve scrawled on her arm in jagged cuts of differing depth and thickness was a single word: murderer.


End file.
